“for by my stripes you are healed…..”
By now Jess and I were getting more used to being in tight spaces and not being able to move around much She was venturing out a bit, and trying to do more on her own. She had good days, and bad days.
Sean opened the pool the following week. she sat on the swing, swaying back and forth, watching her sisters splashing, laughing, wishing she could be a part.
Sean tilled my garden AND planted it for me.
you would have thought I would be grateful, which I was. but I felt angry. I didn’t like having to depend on anyone for anything. it wasn’t a place i felt safe. I sat in the yard with a blanket over my lap and watched him work. any use of my arms at all, whether it was picking up the wet load of wash, and putting it into the dryer, or lifting my arms over my head, would result in a tension headache that would become a full blown debilitating migraine. I couldn’t take the risk. SO I sat, and watched while a fierce storm brewed inside.
Later that afternoon, while my other girls were swimming, Jess and I sat in the sun on the patio. She was preoccupied with side walk chalk.
“mama, you know what?”, she asked out of the blue, coloring away.
“we are both kind of in a cast, aren’t we?” She wasn’t really trying to engage me in conversation, but rather making an observation. Tears filled my eyes. “yes, Jess. you are right.”
Everything felt tangled up inside. I could feel myself fighting. I could feel anger creeping up the back of my neck penetrating knife-like stabs deep within my skull.
I would lay down in moments like these, and just tell myself to breathe….
I closed my eyes.
I could see a little girl with her back turned away from everyone. Her posture said, “I do not need anyone. and I will never be hurt again.”
Deep in my spirit I could feel this toward God as well. Why had he allowed the things He did? What kind of God allows devestation? Did it please Him? When would this all end? How long would I have to live with shards of glass in my soul that left me bleeding?
I could feel tears stinging in my eyes. I resisted. My anger would not let me cry.
I can handle your anger. your relationships cannont. your health cannot, came a voice in the quiet.
Sarcastically I thought to myself, ‘yea Storie, choose joy. choose to trust. you are bringing this all on yourself.’
I knew I couldn’t heal myself. or change my own heart. that created a need. a desperate need. I had always run away from what hurt.
The pain of sitting still was now less than the pain of running.
I sat still….
I wanted to post the process…be patient, more is coming.
By his grace,
Storie
Before I forget…As TheNorEaster, I love your recent titles.
Your daughter is brilliant, Storie. That was a very keen observation she had made regarding the both of you. Many times, when I have faced profound frustrations during the depths of my pain, I have all too often just wanted someone to acknowledge that pain and those frustrations. For me, just knowing that someone cares enough to give exactly that much has often kept me going because it makes me realize that I am not completely alone.
And like your daughter had to face the limits of her physical cast (not going in the pool), you had to face the limits of your own cast (not being able to till and plant your garden).
I am waiting patiently for the next installment.
TNE~
Thank you for your thoughful insight and kindness. What you have shared here resonates within me. I really believe that God used my family in a big way to surround me in this healing process. I did try and push them away, testing the bounds of the relationship: I believed deep inside that those that love, leave…..I really did not want to be alone, but the fear of being left outweighed the risk of getting too close.
And yes, the metephor of the cast…..our limits were both being tested!
Thank you for the feedback on the titles…I have never really been good at them….just trying to be most descriptive of where i am at:-)
I appreciate the encouragment!
Wow. What a powerful post. I can totally get where you are coming from. I simply can’t stand situations where I feel I have no control. These are some of the most painful but important moments where we gain insight into who God really is. We are able to trust Him in a new way.
Pete, you are so right. AND it all boils down to trust. My fists were clenched so tightly around my life, and the broken places. NO ONE would be able to take anything away from me, or hurt me ever. He obviously knew better. and what was best. There is so much freedom in surrender.