Never to be the same….

 

Jessie’s cast was shortened at week three.  She could bend her elbow now, yet was even more hesitant than before. 

“Jess, it’s ok to use the swing.  You can do  it.  It just feels different than you are used to,”  I tried to reassure her, knowing exactly why she was uneasy.

“But mama, it hurts when I bend my elbow.  i don’t think I can use it”  Little did she know she was speaking directly into my heart.  Though seven, she had wisdom that was beyond me.

That afternoon she played with a light-heartedness I had not seen in a while.   I loved seeing her play and laugh again.

As I began to rest, and allow God to untangle the knots in my soul, the tension began to lessen.  I felt the shortening of my cast too….

 I sat in the dirt in my garden. I looked at the bugs. I took our pet turtle for a walk. I played with my kids more. I made mud pies. I laid in the grass and looked at the sky. I watched my husband refinish our deck.  I fed the birds. I took naps. I journaled.  I journaled some more.

I asked God to reveal to me his love.   As He did, I wrestled less.  

Yes, I went to the neurologist.  He gave me different medications.  I didn’t have any real answers yet.  but the headaches were less.  Not completely gone, but less debilitating.

I was growing to understand that God was calling out to a part of me had not surrendered. The part of me that believed that those that love will eventually leave.  and that no one could really be trusted.  In love, He tenderly blocked my escape routes.  I could no longer “run” to busy or distract myself.  I had nothing at present to define my competence.  Yet I could feel His love.  I was experiencing something very unconditional. 

I am not saying that this was a quick fix by any means, for the story is not over.  But this was a cross roads that marked me this side of eternity.

 

At the end of the six weeks,  Jessie went to the Doctor’s office to have her cast removed.

As anxious as she was to have it off, she was nervous. 

This happened to fall on my first day back to work.

Sean called me that morning after the appointment.

“I think I have a word for you babe.” he said.

“yes, what’s that?” I asked

“The doctor x-rayed Jessie’s arm.  He said that the broken spot looks amazing.”

and then he added:

“He also said that when a bone breaks, it grows back even stronger in the place it broke and that if you tried to break it again in the same spot, you couldn’t.”